Friday, July 13, 2012

Guest Post: Adam Graham



Beginning Your New Career as a Superhero
By Powerhouse

So you want to be a superhero? Do you have what it takes? What if one day you get
exposed to radiation and rather than dying or getting a nasty rash like normal people,
you obtain amazing powers far beyond the abilities of normal men? Or what if random chemicals fall on you in a lightning storm? Or what if aliens just give you superpowers for the heck of it? Would you be ready to make the transition from mild-mannered whatever-you-are to full blown, awesome superhero? Follow my quick and simple guide to help you prepare for your career as a masked fighter of crime.

First, do you have unique, superior abilities?
I started this out with "superpowers" but I thought of too many heroes who have managed to do their job without actual superpowers. (i.e. Batman.) However, Batman has unique abilities. He's super agile, he's a skilled martial artist and escape artist, and he's got a few billion dollars lying around.

Please note: your strange ability should be something that can be used in fighting crime.
My biographer, Adam Graham, has a double jointed thumb. That's an example of an ability you can't use in fighting crime. Well, maybe once, it might gross the bank robber out and give you a chance to punch him in the face, but that's kind of a one time thing.
Sorry, Adam, but you don't have any future as "The Thumb."
Your super abilities can come from technology, it can come from radiation, or just plain old training, but you have to get these abilities.

Now, Batman got his powers the hard way. It took more than a decade of training to
make Batman who he is. I get impatient three minutes in the drive through window.

Unfortunately, the easy way is a little iffy. You could start digging up the Middle East
hoping to find a magic talisman, but you'll probably find a lot more regular talismans plus other old artifacts of ancient civilizations, such as bellbottom pants and platform shoes.
Radiation is always a great way to get superpowers, but most people either die or get
rashes. Same thing goes for having a bunch of chemicals spilled on you. If the combo is strong enough to give you superpowers, it’s more likely to kill or injure you instead.

Technology is great. It's probably the one way I'd recommend, if you can do it. Build
your own super cool robot battle armor or get a rich friend to do it for you as a favor.

Of course, you may already have powers the super easy way. For example, let's say you escaped as the last infant of a doomed planet with powers far beyond the ability of mortal men. Wait a second? Are you Superman? Why on Earth are you reading this? You ought to be writing this. Can I have your autograph?

Well, for everyone who is not Superman, proceed to Item 2.

Do you have a sense of right and wrong?

One of Spider-Man's key beliefs is that with great power comes great responsibility. We have to know what the right thing is to do. We make mistakes from time to time, but we don't need another guy with no idea what's right flying around with amazing powers.

It's important you be a righteous dude or dudette. Kids look up to you as a role model.
Running an ad saying you're not a role model won’t work. Kids will still look up to you.
When George Reeves took over as Superman, he stopped smoking because he didn't want to set a bad example for kids, and George Reeves didn't even have real superpowers.

Do you have a name?

Not your real name, but your superhero name. Finding a good superhero name is tough.
It’s not hard to figure one out, but all the good names have already been taken for
fictional characters. What are us real superheroes to do? There are a few rules of thumb:

1) Don’t use a name with “Super” in it (i.e. Supergarder, Superflyer, Superpoolguy).
You’ll only make people think of Superman and you’re no Superman

2) Consider an animal name with man, woman, boy, or girl at the end. If you’re a woman with teeth so strong you can chew through wood, chew through crime as Beaverwoman.
Alternatively, our long-toothed heroine could declare herself the Beaver, but don’t use
my example. It could get you in trouble with the people who made Leave it to Beaver.

3) With so many cool superhero names being already taken, some have resorted to using body parts for their name. This can only go on so long before the suitable body parts are all taken, too. If you’re not one of the lucky few to get a good body part name, don’t run around fighting crime as “The Eyebrow.”

4) Some have gone by names of inanimate objects. The more menacing the better. The
Hook and the Claw are great examples. Again, be sure it’s you and that it sounds cool.
No one will be awestruck by “The Office Chair.” Well, unless you’re shaped in a way
that prevents lower back pain and you’re willing to let people sit on you for hours.

5) You can always make a superhero name by taking a word and adding Captain to the front of it. Of course, many Captains have been taken: Captain America, Captain France,
Captain Planet, and Captain Kangaroo. However, there are plenty of good Captain names out there. There are cities (Captain Seattle) or states (Captain Washington) or attributes (Captain Awesome and the Awesome Squad). You can also use Major or Commander. Adam even has a story featuring an Admiral. General is one I've only heard villains use, so avoid that Don't overdo it, or it could get monotonous. If I have Captain Seattle, Captain Tacoma, and Captain Bellingham all around me, it'll have gone too far.

6) When all else fails ask a juvenile relative for clue. Believe it or not, they can come up with some amazing names. That's actually how I got my name.

There's much more to being a superhero, but if you get these first three down, you'll be headed up, up and away for an exciting new career.

2 responses:

Galadriel said...

That's pretty funny.

Lostariel said...

"So you want to be a superhero?"
You seem to have misspelled "villain" and should rectify this immediately.
Best wishes,
Your Arch-Nemesis to Be

Translate

All blog content copyrighted 2012 by H. A. Titus